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Ultimately, when we choose to have sexual partners, we should be doing so because it is what we — and not others — want, because we’re prepared for and want the intimacy and responsibility it entails, and because it makes us feel good, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well.

Too many people have sexual relations because someone else wants them to, before they’re ready, or for the wrong reasons (like simply wanting to get off, wanting to make a partner stay, or wanting people to like you). When we choose to have sex — or abstain from it — for our own reasons, fully aware and alert to what we are doing, we can discover what is so wonderful about sex, and how we can experience it in ways that ONLY make us, and those around us, feel good.

Being celibate for a while can give us the time to learn to trust, understand and learn to communicate with our partners and ourselves, sexually and otherwise. It can help us to learn about our own bodies, rather than be told by others how they function. It can allow us to achieve other things which may have a higher priority for us than sex at any given time.

Above and beyond all else, it can serve to let us know that when we have sex, we are choosing to have it of our own volition, because we want to, and we can come to it prepared and ready for all of it’s responsibilities, as well as all of its pleasures.

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A lot of teens and adults find it very hard to maintain celibacy in a culture where they feel pressured to have sex, or feel that sex is at every corner they turn. For starters, on some level, sex is.

As I said before, you can’t shut your sexuality off, and no one should expect you to. It’s part of being human. However, choosing not to have a sexual partner doesn’t make you a prude, a eunuch or a nonsexual person; it simply makes you a person who purposefully doesn’t have a partner right now.

Like any choice we make, we can’t expect the whole world to make it, too, as it may be the right choice for one person, but not right for another. Instead of blaming others, or feeling attacked, it is more productive and empowering to work with ourselves and be proud of our own choices, not because of what choice — like abstinence, or abortion, or getting married — we made, but because we chose what was best for ourselves. A choice is never right or wrong outside of who we are; it can only be right or wrong for us as individuals. Many people who really should choose celibacy for a while often do not because they perceive that those preaching abstinence are putting down those who do not, and sadly, that happens all too often. Make sure your choice empowers you, but doesn’t disempower others at the same time.

People around you, like friends, family or romantic partners, should support the choices you are making, even if they don’t agree with them, or wouldn’t make that choice for themselves. That is what it truly is to be someone’s friend or partner.

If you’re choosing to abstain from sex with a partner because it is what is best for you, you are making a powerful choice that shows you care about yourself and are doing what feels the most right. Anyone who uses that choice to mock you, or tease you, is ultimately someone who is intimidated because you have the strength to empower yourself despite what others think. Even when it isn’t about sex, a lot of people are intimidated by strong people, and can’t admit it, so they react by trying to make you feel small. Let it go, and remind yourself why you’re doing what you are, and remember that the only person who have to really live with is yourself. While doing things to please others or gain acceptance may work in the short-term, ultimately, the consequences of what choices you make will always lie with you, and you’re the one you have to own up to forever.

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Like any major life choices, it’s best to think about them, about how you’re going to stick to them, how they work with what you want, and how you’re going to manage them with others. Because sex is such a heavy topic for so many, and something so few people really have a handle on, it’s a good idea to take some time to figure out how to manage your celibacy so that it empowers you, rather than being a burden.

1. Consider choosing a timeframe. How long are you going to be celibate for? A month, a year, five years? Rather than choosing an event which will determine when you stop (which takes your own power away from you) — like yes, marriage — pick a manageable time period that you can work with. Your sexual choices and sexual identity are your own, and are about you — not some magical, mystical gift someone else gives you with a ring and a minivan. Write it down somewhere. For instance, instead of saying, “I’ll wait until I’m married,” if that’s what you want to do, which puts a little undue pressure on yourself and your psyche (and has made people jump into marriage unduly a time or two), start in month-long blocks. At the end of each year, you can renew your vow if you wish, or reevaluate it as need be, based on you, and not someone else.

You don’t have to have a timeframe, but it helps a lot of people who choose to be celibate to manage it.

2. Set some goals. Donna Marie Williams, in her book, Sensual Celibacy, advises that those choosing to be celibate make the choice a positive one by setting goals, and reminding yourself daily that you made this choice for you to make you feel good. Why are you choosing to be celibate, or abstinent: what are the positives of that choice, rather than the negatives of another? What do you intend to accomplish? For instance, if you just don’t feel you’re ready for a partner, how are you going to use the time otherwise?

Instead of making a choice NOT to do something, make it a choice TO do something: make celibacy about being active, not about being passive. Write it down. Feel good about it, since that’s why you made the choice in the first place.

3. Honor your sexuality. Being celibate, as I said before, doesn’t mean your sexuality is gone from you. You can still do lots of things to enjoy and satiate it if you’d like, like masturbation, massage, long hot baths, and other creative and sensory activities (like exercise, phone sex, even a great meal). Recognize it when you’re feeling sexually dissatisfied or “horny,” and help yourself out during those times by doing something that alleviates or acknowledges that positively, not with shame.

4. Don’t be stupid: you’re smarter than that. I mean it.

As any of us know from dieting or trying to change a habit, we all renege on our vows and choices sometimes, even when we don’t plan to. Keep condoms and birth control with you on dates, just in case you do change your mind about celibacy. Even having them around will help to remind you of the choice you’ve made. Make your choice to others clear. If you’re going to go out with someone, make sure your expectations are clear that that date is a platonic one from the beginning, and if things start to get mushy, tell the person you’re with that you’re celibate right now to avoid undue pressure on you (and them) later.

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Celibacy is about not having a sexual partner, not about not being sexual. The problem with most “abstinence” approaches is that they tend to assume you can turn your sexuality — not your choices about sexual partnership or your sexual activity — off and on like a light switch. But what if we get sexual pleasure from kissing, eating an orange, a long hot bath, talking or jogging? That may seem a bit weird, or not jive with how others have defined sex for you, but when it comes down to biology and science, it is really how it works. We can try not to feel aroused or sexual all we want, but for most people, it’s just not something a person can control.

For example, even when a person abstains from all forms of sex, including masturbation, your body can find sexual release on its own, during sleep, in both men and women. Bear in mind that your sexuality doesn’t start in your genitals (in your penis or vulva) it starts in your brain. So, when your senses pick up anything your brain interprets or associates as being sexual, you start to get aroused. For example, let’s say you got your first kiss standing by a pencil sharpener. It is entirely likely that later in your life, the smell of pencil dust could set off sexual arousal in your body, because that scent now suggests kissing to you. That is not only normal, it’s part of what makes sexuality so beautiful; that it encompasses and is made of so much of our lives and experiences.

That is some of why it is so difficult for so many people to “abstain” from every aspect of sex: it isn’t possible.

While some religions believe that sexuality only exists for the purposes of procreation, the way our bodies and brains really work stand counter to that belief. While we can choose not to engage in sex with a partner or with ourselves (masturbation), we cannot choose not to be sexual, and that touches upon far more than our genitals, or creating children. It is as much of who and what we are as breathing and eating, and it is a part of our chemical makeup as far back as when we were still in our mother’s wombs. So, we have no choice in that it is there, but what we can choose is how best to manage it for ourselves, and make it work with our other life choices.

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