Archive for March, 2009

Break Your Passion Drama Addictions

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

It’s easier than any of us would like to think to mistake high drama for love or passion, especially when we’re younger. Most of us are pretty restless in our teens: maybe school is just utterly boring, maybe we’ve had the same social circle for years, maybe our towns or cities don’t offer us much to do, maybe we’re just feeling ready to move on with our lives, but can’t because of our age. So, it’s not at all surprising that when a love affair enters our lives, we’re going to be pretty excited about it.

But it’s very clear, even just with what we see at the message boards here, that a lot of teens confuse drama with love, affection or real connection. The higher the level of drama gets — parents disliking a partner, promises of marriage, a profound age difference, even emotional or physical abuse — the more a feeling of love or passion is interpreted because the emotional stakes are raised and the tension is elevated.

That’s not unreasonable, after all, writers have been using that exact same device to elevate their readers emotions for thousands of years. But.

It isn’t real, even when it very much feels real. We’re simply reacting to those escalated circumstances, and all too often, that drama can keep young couples together, not love or real bonding.

So, when the drama kicks in, try to learn to see it and know that then, more than ever, is NOT the time to leap in with both feet, but to step back and really look at what’s going on. To take a break to do that, if need be. To do whatever it is you need to to get a good, solid reality check.

One of the best tests of love, really, is if it feels like love when it’s at it’s quietest and calmest, not its loudest and most tumultuous.

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Sex In The Real World

Monday, March 30th, 2009

Honesty, like most things, starts at home: in other words, with yourself.  Sex can be a veritable minefield when it comes to game-playing, delusion, manipulation, even when no one intends any of those things. Being willing and able to be honest about your sexuality is your biggest asset when it comes to being happy, healthy and whole in this regard.

Be willing, for instance, to really take a deep look at what you want and what you need, and make choices based on the real deal when it comes to those things. For instance, if you know that you’re not entirely sure about a sexual partner in terms of furthering your activity with them, don’t shove that feeling in the closet for fear of losing them if you don’t agree to what they want. If you know you’re questioning your sexual orientation, be clear on that with potential partners.

If you know you can’t be sexually active without lying to friends and family, put a hold on things until you can be honest about that. If you aren’t as into someone else as you know they’re into you, let them know, don’t lead them on or take advantage. Don’t make promises you can’t keep: of eternal love (even if it feels that way), of monogamy, of sexual favors you aren’t surer you want to, or can, deliver.

Ask for honesty from your partners as well as from others involved, even tangentially, in your sexual life: friends, family, your doctor, and learn to accept that honesty, even when it’s not so easy. being in an environment of honesty sometimes means that the people we’re involved with tell us what they really feel, rather than what they think we’d like to hear, which isn’t always comfortable, but which, both long and short term, is the best thing for everyone.

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby.

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

When and if you’re sexually active with a partner, communication issues are usually the biggest hurdle in those relationships. If we feel awkward or uncomfortable — or unable — bringing up issues about birth control, safer sex, sexual boundaries, sexual satisfaction or dissatisfaction, things we need to be emotionally or physically safe, we not only greatly limit the mileage of those relationships, we put ourselves and our partners in positions which can be very detrimental to all of us. At best, being unable to communicate can greatly limit our pleasure, enjoyment or emotional well-being. At worst, they can get us deeply hurt emotionally or physically, or be the root of an unwanted pregnancy, disease or infection transmission. Being able to talk openly about sex can’t just protect our hearts, minds and bodies, it can save our lives.

We can all learn to talk about sex, even in a culture where that is a major handicap. Start simple: talk to friends or family about sexual issues or questions. Learn to ask your doctor when you’ve got questions or concerns about sexuality or sexual anatomy, even if it feels embarrassing or a little funny at first. And well before you get sexually involved with a partner, start establishing meaningful dialogue about sex: about both of your expectations and wants, about your readiness levels, about birth control and safer sex practices, about how you’ll plan to deal with friends and family regarding your sexual relationship, about what relationship model you’d like to build, the works.

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The Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

If we look at our sexuality one way, it looks a million times simpler than it actually is. If we look at it another way, it appears a million times more complicated. While it’s important that we bear everything in mind we need to in terms of infection and disease, birth control, our relationships, our bodies and the whole works, now and then we need to remember the bare bones and the human element of the thing, and keep the essentials in the forefront of our minds.

Choose yourself as your first partner

We hear a whole lot about who should be our first partner. Most of the time, we’re told it should be someone we love and who loves us back, someone committed to us long-term, perhaps even someone we plan to spend the rest of our lives with. I agree completely, because you, all by yourself, have all of those qualities, more than any other person ever can.

It’s not abstinence propaganda to say that no one is ever going to know your body like you are, and that no one else is ever going to be able to GET to know your body well unless you do to begin with. Really claiming and recognizing yourself as your first and foremost sex partner is a powerful thing. It equips you with tools you’ll need for a healthy sexuality and balanced relationships for the rest of your life: the ability to determine when it’s the right time for you to have solo sex (like when you’re just plain horny) and when it’s right to take a partner (like when you’re wanting deeper intimacy, or able to account for another person’s feelings and desires). Getting to know your own body and sexual identity through self-evaluation, through masturbation, enables you to find out what you like and dislike physically, to see and feel what your genitals and the rest of your body are like in a healthy state, to discover how your individual sexual response works, explore your orientation and gender identity, and to gauge your sexual expectations realistically.

All too often, young men and women — more often young women — rush into sexual partnership simply because they think a partner can give them something on a sheerly physical sexual level that they can’t give themselves because they haven’t become their own first sex partner. And many times, that results in hurt feelings, overly high expectations, and careless treatment of sexual partners, especially when a person just isn’t ready for all that sexual partnership requires. All too often, “hormones” are said to be why a teen feels the drive to partner with someone else, but the truth is, your “hormones” and your physical body do NOT know the difference between your fingers and someone else’s. Your mind and your heart might, but your clitoris or penis do not. Spending dedicated time being your own lover first helps you be able to know the difference.

And hey: masturbation is the safest sex there is!

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What Can Celibacy or Abstinence Do for You?

Friday, March 27th, 2009

Ultimately, when we choose to have sexual partners, we should be doing so because it is what we — and not others — want, because we’re prepared for and want the intimacy and responsibility it entails, and because it makes us feel good, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well.

Too many people have sexual relations because someone else wants them to, before they’re ready, or for the wrong reasons (like simply wanting to get off, wanting to make a partner stay, or wanting people to like you). When we choose to have sex — or abstain from it — for our own reasons, fully aware and alert to what we are doing, we can discover what is so wonderful about sex, and how we can experience it in ways that ONLY make us, and those around us, feel good.

Being celibate for a while can give us the time to learn to trust, understand and learn to communicate with our partners and ourselves, sexually and otherwise. It can help us to learn about our own bodies, rather than be told by others how they function. It can allow us to achieve other things which may have a higher priority for us than sex at any given time.

Above and beyond all else, it can serve to let us know that when we have sex, we are choosing to have it of our own volition, because we want to, and we can come to it prepared and ready for all of it’s responsibilities, as well as all of its pleasures.

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Celibacy In A World Saturated With Sex

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

A lot of teens and adults find it very hard to maintain celibacy in a culture where they feel pressured to have sex, or feel that sex is at every corner they turn. For starters, on some level, sex is.

As I said before, you can’t shut your sexuality off, and no one should expect you to. It’s part of being human. However, choosing not to have a sexual partner doesn’t make you a prude, a eunuch or a nonsexual person; it simply makes you a person who purposefully doesn’t have a partner right now.

Like any choice we make, we can’t expect the whole world to make it, too, as it may be the right choice for one person, but not right for another. Instead of blaming others, or feeling attacked, it is more productive and empowering to work with ourselves and be proud of our own choices, not because of what choice — like abstinence, or abortion, or getting married — we made, but because we chose what was best for ourselves. A choice is never right or wrong outside of who we are; it can only be right or wrong for us as individuals. Many people who really should choose celibacy for a while often do not because they perceive that those preaching abstinence are putting down those who do not, and sadly, that happens all too often. Make sure your choice empowers you, but doesn’t disempower others at the same time.

People around you, like friends, family or romantic partners, should support the choices you are making, even if they don’t agree with them, or wouldn’t make that choice for themselves. That is what it truly is to be someone’s friend or partner.

If you’re choosing to abstain from sex with a partner because it is what is best for you, you are making a powerful choice that shows you care about yourself and are doing what feels the most right. Anyone who uses that choice to mock you, or tease you, is ultimately someone who is intimidated because you have the strength to empower yourself despite what others think. Even when it isn’t about sex, a lot of people are intimidated by strong people, and can’t admit it, so they react by trying to make you feel small. Let it go, and remind yourself why you’re doing what you are, and remember that the only person who have to really live with is yourself. While doing things to please others or gain acceptance may work in the short-term, ultimately, the consequences of what choices you make will always lie with you, and you’re the one you have to own up to forever.

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So, You Want To Be Celibate?

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Like any major life choices, it’s best to think about them, about how you’re going to stick to them, how they work with what you want, and how you’re going to manage them with others. Because sex is such a heavy topic for so many, and something so few people really have a handle on, it’s a good idea to take some time to figure out how to manage your celibacy so that it empowers you, rather than being a burden.

1. Consider choosing a timeframe. How long are you going to be celibate for? A month, a year, five years? Rather than choosing an event which will determine when you stop (which takes your own power away from you) — like yes, marriage — pick a manageable time period that you can work with. Your sexual choices and sexual identity are your own, and are about you — not some magical, mystical gift someone else gives you with a ring and a minivan. Write it down somewhere. For instance, instead of saying, “I’ll wait until I’m married,” if that’s what you want to do, which puts a little undue pressure on yourself and your psyche (and has made people jump into marriage unduly a time or two), start in month-long blocks. At the end of each year, you can renew your vow if you wish, or reevaluate it as need be, based on you, and not someone else.

You don’t have to have a timeframe, but it helps a lot of people who choose to be celibate to manage it.

2. Set some goals. Donna Marie Williams, in her book, Sensual Celibacy, advises that those choosing to be celibate make the choice a positive one by setting goals, and reminding yourself daily that you made this choice for you to make you feel good. Why are you choosing to be celibate, or abstinent: what are the positives of that choice, rather than the negatives of another? What do you intend to accomplish? For instance, if you just don’t feel you’re ready for a partner, how are you going to use the time otherwise?

Instead of making a choice NOT to do something, make it a choice TO do something: make celibacy about being active, not about being passive. Write it down. Feel good about it, since that’s why you made the choice in the first place.

3. Honor your sexuality. Being celibate, as I said before, doesn’t mean your sexuality is gone from you. You can still do lots of things to enjoy and satiate it if you’d like, like masturbation, massage, long hot baths, and other creative and sensory activities (like exercise, phone sex, even a great meal). Recognize it when you’re feeling sexually dissatisfied or “horny,” and help yourself out during those times by doing something that alleviates or acknowledges that positively, not with shame.

4. Don’t be stupid: you’re smarter than that. I mean it.

As any of us know from dieting or trying to change a habit, we all renege on our vows and choices sometimes, even when we don’t plan to. Keep condoms and birth control with you on dates, just in case you do change your mind about celibacy. Even having them around will help to remind you of the choice you’ve made. Make your choice to others clear. If you’re going to go out with someone, make sure your expectations are clear that that date is a platonic one from the beginning, and if things start to get mushy, tell the person you’re with that you’re celibate right now to avoid undue pressure on you (and them) later.

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Why Choose Celibacy?

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

There are any number of good reasons for choosing to be celibate for a period of time, be it a week a few years, before you’ve become sexually active or long after.

* Because you absolutely cannot get pregnant right now, or do not want to. No form — not one — of birth control save having your tubes tied, or your partner getting a vasectomy (and even then, believe it or not, things can get botched) is 100% effective. So, unless you have solutions in place and are ready to handle an accidental pregnancy — or are having sex with a same-sex partner where pregnancy isn’t a risk — celibacy may be the best choice for you.

* Because it protects you from most sexually transmitted infections. I say most because a couple STIs can still be caught from normal, daily body contact. There’s no need to get paranoid, it’s rare; but it does still happen. However, you cut the risk astronomically when you do not have a sexual partner of any kind.

* Because you are not able, due to your age, financial status, or other factor, to practice birth control or safer sex responsibly or wholly, or because other aspects of sex put your health, well-being, or that of your family or partner, at risk of negative or unwanted consequences or results.

* Because your religion or belief system does not encourage or permit either premarital sex, or sex for any purpose other than procreation. Again, this gets murky, as some people believe that masturbation is included in these beliefs, and others do not, and those beliefs leave out what we understand about biology and human sexual physiology. Only you can really decide how you feel about your beliefs and investigate them. However, if having a sexual partner will make you feel guilty, or that you are defying your religion or family, it may be best to abstain from it, simply because sex that makes you feel bad about yourself just isn’t worth having. ideally, your sex life should feel harmonious with the rest of your life and your own personal beliefs and ethics.

* Because you aren’t ready for, or just don’t want a sexual partner right now. There could be any number of reasons for this. Perhaps you were raped, sexually traumatized, or your last sexual experience left you feeling bad or confused. Perhaps you just don’t want to deal with all of the hassles of sex with a partner. Perhaps you feel you should wait until you’re with a person you have known and trusted a very long time. Maybe you’re just to darn busy and have too many other parts of your life to manage, or maybe you’re just plain not interested in sexual partnership.

* Because you suspect you or your partner may currently have a sexually transmitted disease or infection, or you know you do. If you think or know one of you may be sick, waiting until you have test results and answers to your concerns is a very sound thing to do, even if you usually use condoms.

* Because you just don’t want any sexual activity right now, have other priorities, are evaluating your relationship, or are feeling “sick of sex.” At various times in our lives, we all will go through these stages at least once or twice, and in order to work through them, may need to separate ourselves to see thing the most clearly.

* Because you want to take some time away from partnered sex to explore other forms of your own sexuality, other ways of having sex with partners, or to invest more time and energy in other priorities in your life.

All of those reasons — and others — are excellent and valid reasons to be celibate for a while.

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The Problem With “Abstinence”

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

Celibacy is about not having a sexual partner, not about not being sexual. The problem with most “abstinence” approaches is that they tend to assume you can turn your sexuality — not your choices about sexual partnership or your sexual activity — off and on like a light switch. But what if we get sexual pleasure from kissing, eating an orange, a long hot bath, talking or jogging? That may seem a bit weird, or not jive with how others have defined sex for you, but when it comes down to biology and science, it is really how it works. We can try not to feel aroused or sexual all we want, but for most people, it’s just not something a person can control.

For example, even when a person abstains from all forms of sex, including masturbation, your body can find sexual release on its own, during sleep, in both men and women. Bear in mind that your sexuality doesn’t start in your genitals (in your penis or vulva) it starts in your brain. So, when your senses pick up anything your brain interprets or associates as being sexual, you start to get aroused. For example, let’s say you got your first kiss standing by a pencil sharpener. It is entirely likely that later in your life, the smell of pencil dust could set off sexual arousal in your body, because that scent now suggests kissing to you. That is not only normal, it’s part of what makes sexuality so beautiful; that it encompasses and is made of so much of our lives and experiences.

That is some of why it is so difficult for so many people to “abstain” from every aspect of sex: it isn’t possible.

While some religions believe that sexuality only exists for the purposes of procreation, the way our bodies and brains really work stand counter to that belief. While we can choose not to engage in sex with a partner or with ourselves (masturbation), we cannot choose not to be sexual, and that touches upon far more than our genitals, or creating children. It is as much of who and what we are as breathing and eating, and it is a part of our chemical makeup as far back as when we were still in our mother’s wombs. So, we have no choice in that it is there, but what we can choose is how best to manage it for ourselves, and make it work with our other life choices.

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Does Abstinence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

Sound studies have been done which show that abstinence-only sex education — the kind that only says to “just say no” and doesn’t provide any other information — isn’t working, something many readers here hardly need us to prove to them.

However, some of that problem may lie in the term itself, or in “abstinence” being presented for either all the wrong reasons or not accounting for the myriad of reasons — not just because of one set of religious beliefs, as a means of preventing pregnancy, or through fear and shame — some people choose not to be sexually active. Plenty of people choose that for periods of time even if they’ve been sexually active before and felt just fine about it, and even if they do know how to reduce their risks of pregnancy or STIs.

Taking time away from sexual activity, or waiting to have a sexual partner can be very enjoyable, empowering and positive: it doesn’t have to be about shame, sin or because sex is dangerous or scary. In truth, the word “abstinence” doesn’t actually mean anything, and when we try and make some real sense out of it, it can get mighty confusing.

“Be abstinent.”
“From what?”
“Sex.”
“What do you mean by sex?”
“You know, sex…intercourse.”
“So oral sex is okay?”
“Well, no…maybe. I don’t know.”

You see what I mean: confusing.

What we really should be talking about here, when people say abstinence, is celibacy, the deliberate choice not to have a sexual partner for any period of time. There’s nothing ambiguous about that.

Being celibate means sharing NO sexual acts with a partner: any kind of intercourse (vaginal or anal), oral sex, manual sex, and so forth. In other words, no physical, sexual contact with others; meaning any genital (penis or vulva) touch, with mouths, hands or anything else between you and someone else is off limits.

The real difference here, all comes down to the misnomer: “Abstinence is the only safe sex.” If you are abstaining from sex, that simply isn’t true, because abstinence isn’t any kind of sex at all. (Plus, as someone pointed out on another site I write for recently, if we’re to believe, as many pushing abstinence do, that the tale about the conception of Jesus is true, we can’t really claim it’s 100% effective regardless. 99.9999999% percent, maybe, but not 100%.) Masturbation is 100% safe sex. So is phone sex, so is mutual masturbation, so is non-genital partner massage. You get my drift.

Some teens trying to subscribe to abstinence — and being confused about what that even means — will and do end up engaging in sexual practices as risky than protected vaginal intercourse, like unprotected anal sex, and not only both pregnancy as well as disease, but then feel really lousy about themselves for no good reason. More times than not, it is because no one has defined abstinence for them, or told them what they CAN do, and how to be safe about it, instead of simply telling them what not to do. That can also happen when changing one’s mind and deciding after a while that sex is something wanted isn’t recognized as just as potentially good or sound as the choice to put sex on the back burner for a while.

I’m going to tell you a few things about celibacy, a term which I’ll use instead of abstinence, because it actually means something and I think it is a far more constructive, positive and realistic approach. Though many who advocate abstinence do so based in religious belief, I am going to sidestep that aspect of it because for starters, those religious traditions are different from my own, so I’ve no real basis in arguing for or against it, and two, it is your job, not mine, to decide what is best for you spiritually, and the spiritual belief systems of our users vary widely. That aside, there are a good number of other reasons to be celibate at various times in your life.

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