Archive for April, 2009
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
When do I have sex if I want a guy to stick around?
I am 22 and was the kinda girl that always had a boyfriend, all through junior high and high school and moved in with my h.s. sweetheart. I have become single for the last year and truly enjoy it. I rarely engage in intercourse (major STD fears) but do enjoy some PG13 action. I date very often and like to try and keep it all very old fashioned. It’s not a rule I’ve made but I don’t kiss on the first date and keep ‘em wanting more till at least the 4th date when they finally get a lil makeout. I was casually dating a guy for about a month and felt he was really into me. I wanted to have sex so we did and now he is MIA. My girlfriend said thats what will always happen, they’ll stick around til you put out than they peace out. 2 of my guy friends said they like a lil chase but if after a month of hot dates they still don’t get any action at all they move on to the next. So when do I put out? To wait or not! I know theres no general rule or cookie cutter answer here but I would like all of your personal opinions. People say just wait til the time is right but c’mon… I’m not 16 and the time is always past due and very right. Thank you for the advice as well as this excellent site! Keep up the good work!
Answer
There is no one way to do things when it comes to sex which will guarantee that a partner sticks around or does not.
There also is not any one way men feel or behave when it comes to sex and relationships, nor any one way women do. Generalizations about these kinds of things are very infrequently helpful and are often grossly inaccurate. When people in small social communities talk about these things, they tend to forget that social circles tend to have their own dynamics, which become more pervasive the more everyone starts to behave the same way, believing something to be universal which is usually nothing of the sort.
Ultimately? When you should have sex with a partner is at whatever time it is that it’s what you both want to do together, and at a time when it’s something you both feel ready for, individually. None of us is perpetually ready for or interested in sex with everyone and anyone at a given time because we’re a certain age or because we’re single. When we want sex, and with whom we want to have it, is going to be based on unique sets of circumstances at any given time. We might go on six dates and never want to have sex with a given person (or they with us), and then be on one date with someone else and very strongly feel that mutual desire and want. One set of rules for every person we date only makes so much sense, unless you just know there are things you unilaterally do NOT want to do, with anyone, period, or in a certain time frame or situation (some people, for instance are only comfortable having sex within committed monogamy, while some people can be the opposite at times, only comfortable with more casual sex, for instance). I’m 38 years old and have been very sexually active for decades now, but that doesn’t mean I always want to have sex just because I enjoy sex or am the age I am. We’re not always in the mood, we’re not always attracted to just anyone, and interpersonal dynamics and chemistry between any two (or more) people vary wildly.
Trying to schedule sex in such a way that’s not about sex at all, but about trying to control someone else’s behavior by withholding sex both doesn’t work to give you that result, and tends to take the sex out of sex altogether: sex with someone else is about sharing physical and emotional pleasure and adventure, about developing intimacy (either just during that one time, or, if a relationship continues, about developing more over time), about getting to know someone in a sexual way. A healthy sexual relationship between equals who mutually respect one another isn’t about a barter to get someone to stick around or give you a commitment you want. In my opinion, withholding sex not because that’s what you want to do in terms of your desire or readiness, but because you’re trying to convince someone else to spend time with you in the hopes that eventually you’ll put out is manipulative and sex-negative, and turns sex and dating into a cheap powerplay rather than a shared expression of mutual accord, pleasure and desire, which is what it’s all supposed to be.
No matter when you have sex, not everyone you date is going to share the same end goals you may have, or want to continue a relationship of any kind. Sometimes, the reason people move on after having sex is because sex really was all they wanted. Sometimes, it’s because they discovered with that sex — or might have known before, but figured they’d see how the sex was to see if that changed their feelings — that they just don’t really feel a connection with that person that’s sexual or romantic. Sometimes, they move on because the sex just wasn’t very compelling for them, to the point they’re not interested in having another go, even if it does improve over time.
If you want to know what someone is really looking for when you’re dating them, the way to find that out is to talk about it. Ask if they’re looking for something long-term or more short-term, open or monogamous, exclusively sexual or something which is also romantic or about friendship. Express what you’re looking for yourself. Obviously, you don’t want to get too into that on a first date (that’d be a bit overwhelming for anyone), but as you move into second or third dates, those are totally appropriate discussions. And if you feel like you’re only comfortable with things becoming sexual once you’ve procured a given commitment, then you voice that need. You’re far more likely to find people for whom that’s a shared want by talking than you are by withholding sex or having sex. If the people you’re dating aren’t initiating these kinds of conversations, then maybe you need to open that door yourself. Ideally, one or both people in a dating relationship will bring these things up soon enough.
The guy friends you have may be saying what they are because they want a sexual relationship, and feel that at a certain point, if it’s not put forth, that’s not what the person they’re dating wants. They’re then moving on because they feel they and those dates don’t share the same wants in a relationship. That’s not unreasonable, but it’d sure be a lot easier for them to find out if they really do or don’t share those same desires by just talking about it. These really just aren’t things we can intuit or discern based on when someone does or doesn’t have sex with us.
None of this is to say it’s not perfectly fine for you to enjoy the anticipation of sex when it comes to putting it off in your dating patterns. It sounds like you like that part of it. Anticipation can be pretty exciting, after all, and really rev up desire and arousal. I’d just encourage you to think about it that way, and approach it that way, than to see it as a way to keep someone wanting more in the hopes of fending off what it sounds like you and your mates think is an inevitable escape after sex finally happens.
So, when is the right time for you to have sex with someone you’re dating? When it’s — and by it, I mean sex, plain and simple — what both of you want, in a situation or scenario that feels right for both of you.
While how two people communicate in terms of sex, and how two people conduct a sexual relationship certainly has an effect on if something good sustains itself, any time you have sex with someone you just have to accept that you cannot control how sex will make either of you feel about the other, nor can it — or the absence of it — control if someone will be interested in continuing the relationship.
As an aside? Again, no matter what the situation is when you don’t want to have sex, that’s fine. But when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, waiting a few dates for sex alone doesn’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections: either not having sex at all, or using safer sex practices with any sex you have is what we know prevents the transmission of STIs. So, I’m including a link below to help get you filled in on that.
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Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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Monday, April 27th, 2009
HSV-2 is a primary infection which is present in the genital or peri-anal (occurring around the anus) areas. It is usually transmitted by sexual intercourse and the blisters rapid enlarge and ulcerate.
Recurrent infections:
These usually occur in the same place every time as the virus stays in a specific nerve root. Recurrent bouts are usually triggered by one of several factors:
* During upper respiratory tract infections like the common cold hence the term “cold sores”
* Exposure to sunlight. The UVR (Ultra violet ray) component that seems to “activate/irritate” the virus
* Menstruation
* Stress
* Other viral or bacterial infections
* After surgery
* Poor diet
* After intercourse when there is mucosal abrasion
The recurrent episode starts with tingling, burning or even pain and within a few hours redness develops followed by the tiny blister (vesicles) which enlarge and fill with pus. It starts to rupture and crust within 1-2 days and heals within 10-14 days.
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Sunday, April 26th, 2009
Herpes, six letters that strike fear in the heart of anyone who has ever been sexually active. No one wants a sexually transmitted infection (STI), especially one you can’t get rid of.
There are actually two kinds of sexually transmitted herpes viruses: type 1 and type 2. They both cause painful cold sores that come and go. Sores on the mouth (orolabial herpes) are most commonly due to herpes type 1 and sores on the genitals are most often the result of herpes type 2 (genital herpes). However, both type 1 and 2 can travel above and below the belt and there is no way to tell by looking at a cold sore if it is due to herpes 1 or 2.
Herpes type 1 is ubiquitous, by the age of 18 more than 90% of the population has been infected. Herpes type 2 affects 20-25% of people, meaning 50 million Americans carry the genital herpes virus somewhere in their body. Herpes is so common because the virus is transmitted even when there is no cold sore. Once you have the infection your body intermittently sheds the virus and you can’t predict when: on average, people who carry herpes 1 or 2 shed the virus 15-20% of the time.
What are the consequences of a herpes infection? Most people don’t get cold sores and so they never know they have an infection. Among the 15% or so who do get cold sores, a few lifetime outbreaks is the norm. Only a small percentage of people have recurrent outbreaks. People with immune system problems (such as HIV or those taking medications that suppress the immune system) may have more problems with recurrent infections. In rare cases, herpes infections can cause serious eye problems or even encephalitis (an inflammation of the brain). For women, a cold sore on the genitals during labor can place a baby at risk for a serious infection so when a cold sore is present a c-section will be recommended to reduce the risk.
How can you prevent genital herpes? Avoid sexual contact during an outbreak. Condoms can reduce transmission by 25% and medications (called antivirals) to suppress the infection reduce the chance of passing the infection to a partner by 50%. So, there are steps to take, but nothing is 100%. Because the herpes virus is shed from the skin on the genitals (areas not covered by a condom like the vulva or scrotum) it can be transmitted by close skin-to-skin contact, so even 3rd base can increase your risk.
If you have genital herpes talk with your doctor so you can understand your risks and decide if antiviral medication is right for you. Be open with your partner and encourage them to get a blood test to see if they have been previously exposed – there is a 25% chance they also carry the infection. But don’t feel ashamed. Remember, it’s a cold sore that just happens to be on your genitals.
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Saturday, April 25th, 2009
On its clinical appearance. It can be spread only through contact and you cannot catch it from another sufferer if you have had chickenpox. Because of the virus’s implication in birth defects, pregnant women who have not had chickenpox should avoid people with shingles.
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Friday, April 24th, 2009
A rash affecting one side of the body, possibly preceded by fever, muscle pains and an itching or burning sensation in the affected area. The rash, in the form of red, itchy blisters, can be acutely painful and will last for seven to 10 days before healing.
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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
Herpes zoster (commonly known as shingles) is the name given to a second eruption of the varicella zoster virus (VZV), which causes chickenpox. When the immune system attacks VZV, it often does not eliminate the virus, which can lie dormant for decades. Should your immune system become weakened, the virus can reawaken, travel to the skin and cause shingles. About one in five chickenpox victims contracts shingles.
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Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
* I have several up-to-date, good quality latex condoms, dams and/or gloves — whichever I need for the specific sexual activities I want to engage in — and both I and my partner know how and when to use them, and are both willing to do so without argument in line with the infection risks we wish to reduce.
* I have a large bottle of latex-safe lubricant (KY, Liquid Silk, Astroglide, Wet, etc.) for use as needed.
* If I am having opposite-sex intercourse, and I or my partner are not comfortable using condoms alone, I have a secondary method of birth control. If I am using condoms alone, I and my partner know how to use them properly and know my partner will do his or her part to always use them.
* I have a list, or know where to find one easily, of local sexual health clinic or gynecologist phone numbers.
* I have some money of my own, or access to money, I can use at any time to take care of any needed birth control, safer sex items and annual testing and sexual health care or sexual crisis management, like abortion, for myself or my partnership AND/OR am aware of and participating in a national, state or city program which can provide me with, or subsidize all or some of, my needed birth control, safer sex, sexual health or sexual crisis management, like abortion.
* I am covered under a health insurance policy or public health program, which could cover pregnancy, neonatal care, gynecological visits, STI testing and/or birth control, or I have or can raise the funds to pay for these services myself.
Those material items are ideal to prevent and deal with disease, illness, infections or pregnancy (when applicable). Obviously, your mileage may vary when it comes to what sexual health and sexuality items might be covered by your insurance or your country, city or state’s services provided to you for free or low-cost. These items may also be limited by your age or personal or family means. There is no sex, save masturbation — no matter how long you and your partner have known each other, or what you have convinced yourself of — that does not carry some risks, no matter how safe you play it, and reducing and managing those risks often costs money.
Some things were not included. For instance, I didn’t say you needed to be able to insist on using a condom if your partner didn’t want to use one, because a partner who doesn’t want to take good care of both of you isn’t one you should be sleeping with. It’s really that simple. Toss the checklist to your partner too: talk about the items on it together. This is about both of you. You may find that simply discussing the reality of the situation makes a big difference for you both. A lot of sex is innate and intuitive, and it is perfectly normal to feel driven by our libido and our emotions, but it isn’t smart to ignore good sense and responsible behavior, or the practical parts of sex, because of those feelings and desires. Rather, when we have our basic needs in place, it can be a lot easier to be spontaneous and free-spirited with sex.
That’s a lot to look at, we know. How did you do? What do you have already set, and what might you need to look into evaluating, talking about or acquiring?
Realistically, even most adults will not check every single thing on this list. But we can safely say that any person who is realistically ready for partnered genital sex should have a lot of what is on this list, as should their partner. If you can see some areas where you’re lacking, give yourself some time to think about them, maybe re-evaluate, slow down, and take extra time before you become sexually active to work on being able to say “yes” to those items. When you see weak spots in what you’ve got on the list, how about just doing some work on those? In talking to a partner who feels they’re ready, you might want to remember this list so that you can better articulate and explain in what areas you don’t feel you or they are really ready.
There isn’t a statute of limitations on your sex life, and it doesn’t begin or end with intercourse. You can initiate any level of it at any time during your life, and change what you want to do as you go along, determining at any time what is best for you, and for your partner(s). If you haven’t checked almost all of the things on those lists, take a look at the ones you didn’t check and try and figure out what you need to do for yourself right now. There is no reason to set yourself up for a fall, or rush into something that won’t be enjoyable or rewarding, when it isn’t going to go away if you wait. Be honest with yourself, and above all else, do what is right for YOU.
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Monday, April 20th, 2009
* I have had some kind of basic healthcare, whatever disease and infection testing I need and can obtain, and my partner has had also had regular basic healthcare, and disease and infection testing as needed.
* I understand the basics of my own anatomy and my partners anatomy, as well as the basics of sex, STIs and human reproduction, when applicable.
* I have a good idea of when I am sexually aroused, and also know when I am not, have some idea of what I need to be aroused, or when I simply cannot get aroused, and I have a similar familiarity with my partner’s arousal, and they with their own.
* I can relax during physical affection and sexual activities without a lot of fear, anxiety or shame.
* I can handle a mild level of physical pain or discomfort that might happen now and then, and am also comfortable with experiencing physical pleasure in front of my partner.
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Sunday, April 19th, 2009
* I don’t have any strong religious, cultural or family beliefs or convictions right now that this sex or partner for me, right now, is wrong.
* I can and do take full responsibility for my own emotions, expectations and actions, as can and does my partner.
* I can handle — even if I don’t like — being disappointed, confused, or upset, as can my partner. I can also handle positive feelings which might surprise me.
* I have at least one member of my family, a friend or some other trusted person — who is not my sexual partner — who cares for me and knows me well who I can talk to with complete honesty about sex, my sexuality and sex life, my sexual relationships, and who I know will always have my back and be honest with me — even when they have to say something I don’t like — and my partner has someone like that in their life, too.
* I can intellectually separate sex from love — even when I love the person I am considering or having sex with — and do not seek to have sex to use it to manipulate, control or influence myself, my partner, or anyone else, or to try and “earn” or prove love.
* I understand that having sex could change my relationship for good or for the worse, and feel I can handle whatever may happen, good or bad alike. I’m ready to be surprised.
* I am prepared to deal with social or cultural judgment based on my choice to be sexually active as a young person.
* I feel I can emotionally handle a possible pregnancy (if applicable), disease or infection, or rejection from my partner.
* I do really want to have sex, not something else I’m hoping sex will substitute for.
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