Sound studies have been done which show that abstinence-only sex education — the kind that only says to “just say no” and doesn’t provide any other information — isn’t working, something many readers here hardly need us to prove to them.
However, some of that problem may lie in the term itself, or in “abstinence” being presented for either all the wrong reasons or not accounting for the myriad of reasons — not just because of one set of religious beliefs, as a means of preventing pregnancy, or through fear and shame — some people choose not to be sexually active. Plenty of people choose that for periods of time even if they’ve been sexually active before and felt just fine about it, and even if they do know how to reduce their risks of pregnancy or STIs.
Taking time away from sexual activity, or waiting to have a sexual partner can be very enjoyable, empowering and positive: it doesn’t have to be about shame, sin or because sex is dangerous or scary. In truth, the word “abstinence” doesn’t actually mean anything, and when we try and make some real sense out of it, it can get mighty confusing.
“Be abstinent.”
“From what?”
“Sex.”
“What do you mean by sex?”
“You know, sex…intercourse.”
“So oral sex is okay?”
“Well, no…maybe. I don’t know.”
You see what I mean: confusing.
What we really should be talking about here, when people say abstinence, is celibacy, the deliberate choice not to have a sexual partner for any period of time. There’s nothing ambiguous about that.
Being celibate means sharing NO sexual acts with a partner: any kind of intercourse (vaginal or anal), oral sex, manual sex, and so forth. In other words, no physical, sexual contact with others; meaning any genital (penis or vulva) touch, with mouths, hands or anything else between you and someone else is off limits.
The real difference here, all comes down to the misnomer: “Abstinence is the only safe sex.” If you are abstaining from sex, that simply isn’t true, because abstinence isn’t any kind of sex at all. (Plus, as someone pointed out on another site I write for recently, if we’re to believe, as many pushing abstinence do, that the tale about the conception of Jesus is true, we can’t really claim it’s 100% effective regardless. 99.9999999% percent, maybe, but not 100%.) Masturbation is 100% safe sex. So is phone sex, so is mutual masturbation, so is non-genital partner massage. You get my drift.
Some teens trying to subscribe to abstinence — and being confused about what that even means — will and do end up engaging in sexual practices as risky than protected vaginal intercourse, like unprotected anal sex, and not only both pregnancy as well as disease, but then feel really lousy about themselves for no good reason. More times than not, it is because no one has defined abstinence for them, or told them what they CAN do, and how to be safe about it, instead of simply telling them what not to do. That can also happen when changing one’s mind and deciding after a while that sex is something wanted isn’t recognized as just as potentially good or sound as the choice to put sex on the back burner for a while.
I’m going to tell you a few things about celibacy, a term which I’ll use instead of abstinence, because it actually means something and I think it is a far more constructive, positive and realistic approach. Though many who advocate abstinence do so based in religious belief, I am going to sidestep that aspect of it because for starters, those religious traditions are different from my own, so I’ve no real basis in arguing for or against it, and two, it is your job, not mine, to decide what is best for you spiritually, and the spiritual belief systems of our users vary widely. That aside, there are a good number of other reasons to be celibate at various times in your life.
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Related posts:
- Celibacy In A World Saturated With Sex
- Why Choose Celibacy?
- What Can Celibacy or Abstinence Do for You?
- What Can Celibacy or Abstinence Do For You?
- President Obama vs. Bristol Palin On Abstinence-Only Education
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