Like any major life choices, it’s best to think about them, about how you’re going to stick to them, how they work with what you want, and how you’re going to manage them with others. Because sex is such a heavy topic for so many, and something so few people really have a handle on, it’s a good idea to take some time to figure out how to manage your celibacy so that it empowers you, rather than being a burden.
1. Consider choosing a timeframe. How long are you going to be celibate for? A month, a year, five years? Rather than choosing an event which will determine when you stop (which takes your own power away from you) — like yes, marriage — pick a manageable time period that you can work with. Your sexual choices and sexual identity are your own, and are about you — not some magical, mystical gift someone else gives you with a ring and a minivan. Write it down somewhere. For instance, instead of saying, “I’ll wait until I’m married,” if that’s what you want to do, which puts a little undue pressure on yourself and your psyche (and has made people jump into marriage unduly a time or two), start in month-long blocks. At the end of each year, you can renew your vow if you wish, or reevaluate it as need be, based on you, and not someone else.
You don’t have to have a timeframe, but it helps a lot of people who choose to be celibate to manage it.
2. Set some goals. Donna Marie Williams, in her book, Sensual Celibacy, advises that those choosing to be celibate make the choice a positive one by setting goals, and reminding yourself daily that you made this choice for you to make you feel good. Why are you choosing to be celibate, or abstinent: what are the positives of that choice, rather than the negatives of another? What do you intend to accomplish? For instance, if you just don’t feel you’re ready for a partner, how are you going to use the time otherwise?
Instead of making a choice NOT to do something, make it a choice TO do something: make celibacy about being active, not about being passive. Write it down. Feel good about it, since that’s why you made the choice in the first place.
3. Honor your sexuality. Being celibate, as I said before, doesn’t mean your sexuality is gone from you. You can still do lots of things to enjoy and satiate it if you’d like, like masturbation, massage, long hot baths, and other creative and sensory activities (like exercise, phone sex, even a great meal). Recognize it when you’re feeling sexually dissatisfied or “horny,” and help yourself out during those times by doing something that alleviates or acknowledges that positively, not with shame.
4. Don’t be stupid: you’re smarter than that. I mean it.
As any of us know from dieting or trying to change a habit, we all renege on our vows and choices sometimes, even when we don’t plan to. Keep condoms and birth control with you on dates, just in case you do change your mind about celibacy. Even having them around will help to remind you of the choice you’ve made. Make your choice to others clear. If you’re going to go out with someone, make sure your expectations are clear that that date is a platonic one from the beginning, and if things start to get mushy, tell the person you’re with that you’re celibate right now to avoid undue pressure on you (and them) later.
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Related posts:
- Celibacy In A World Saturated With Sex
- Celibacy In A World Saturated With Sex
- Why Choose Celibacy?
- Does Abstinence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?
- The Problem With “Abstinence”
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